Tag Archive for: vulnerability

Being Raw

I like for people to see me as
strong and confident, a blonde-haired Eleanor Roosevelt. And while this may
come as quite a shock to some of you, I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I
do and on those days I feel like I could take on the world, but more frequently
are the days when I get up and have no idea what to wear, and no energy to
smile at the people who won’t smile back. And I have decided that it’s time we all
stop pretending that we have it all together.   For so many of us, the most
precious parts of ourselves are buried deep beneath a façade. Every inch of us
itches to express all the things that are so carefully hidden, locked away in
the depths of our souls. We find ways to release those parts; maybe when we are
drunk, or through an annual emotional breakdown, or binging until the wee hours
of the morning. But what would it mean for us to welcome every sad, fearful,
weird part of ourselves. What if it didn’t take an overdose, or a panic attack,
or a suicidal thought to start listening to our hearts. Somewhere along the
line, we have forgotten how to be raw. We have forgotten how to deeply connect
to each other, ourselves, our God. We have created this world where it is not
okay to be completely human and thus have denied the deepest parts of ourselves
in order to fit into it.    This past January, almost the entire
U.S. had the flu. Some had the achy, coughy, fevery flu and others had the
nasty stomach flu. In both cases, I kept coming across people who claimed they
had “food poisoning” or “seasonal allergies”. So that got me wondering why it
is sometimes so hard for us to admit when we are sick. Not only that, but there
are so many things that are so hard for us to come to terms with; For instance,
getting older. We spend so much time, energy, and money on creams and dyes and
laser treatments to pretend that things aren’t sagging or wrinkling or falling
out. And the truth is that I also don’t want
anything to sag and I don’t want to admit that I am sick or weak. I am afraid
of what people will think.    That’s the underlying fear, right? What will people
think of me? Will I be rejected if I am a real, vulnerable person? Is there a
place for me in this world if I don’t have abs, get the stomach virus, don’t
whiten my teeth, and can’t afford highlights?    And so I leave you with this. You don’t have to create your place in this world, your deepest self perfectly fills the place that you were created for. So welcome that deepest self with open arms. After all, Jesus already has.

Round 2

By the grace of God; Eric, Lilah, and I will be welcoming a baby into our family in November. The last few months have been emotional and physically exhausting, but we are so very grateful and do not take this gift lightly.

In the spirit of full vulnerability, I want to share my initial reaction to my pregnancy:

Pregnant. The digital pee stick told me so. Well to be fair it told me “no” twice first. But, in the middle of a hectic morning, “pregnant” flashed across the teeny gray screen. My stomach leaped with excitement. Another one. More cute fingers and toes, sloppy kisses, and little baby snores. But quickly followed the dark thoughts that know how to steal my joy: more sleepless nights, postpartum emotions, breastfeeding, sickness, tantrums, not knowing what the hell I am doing. Can I even do this? Two? Can I even handle one? Actually, let’s be honest, can I even handle myself?

But this is what I know to be true, when I am uncertain of my own abilities:

“Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ to my right, Christ to my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down”

-St. Patrick

We are so thankful for this adventure. And I will try to be as honest as I possibly can throughout.

Love to you all, my friends!

Lizz