Tag Archive for: darkness

A letter for the depressed days.

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DISCLAIMER: I am okay. I am very aware of myself and my feelings and have support systems upon support systems to help me navigate hard days. I know when to ask for help from my people. Thank you for your concern, but this is just me being vulnerable.

Anxiety is more what I am used to. Constantly repeating things in my head, wondering if I am offending anyone, doing enough, getting it all done. And so when depression seeps in, it terrifies me deep to my core. I am not quite sure how to navigate it, what to do with those incessant and gloomy thoughts, the fatigue, the all around effort it takes to enjoy what is around me. My mind tries to beat myself into submission, “get over it”, “your life is great-what are you sad about”, “you will never make it through this, you’re weak”. And with motherhood zapping me of energy and stealing my precious, much needed sleep, the voices are stronger, deeper, rooted in all the things I ever hated about myself.

This morning, as the rain beats down on our roof, I have felt this pull to bring these things into the light. To challenge all of the thoughts that grip me in these moments and to take control of them, even if just for a moment. Hear me when I say, I do not believe that depression is a mind game that you can just get over. I believe in medication to help battle chemical imbalances out of our control. Also, if you have access to therapy, do it. If you do not-message me. I am not a therapist, but I can be a friend.

Dear depressed me,

You are still you right now, just with a little depression attached. Feelings are just feelings- they don’t define you, remember? You get to decide how today goes. Bring the darkness into the light. Text your friends who get it, write about it, make an Insta video. Just don’t hide it, ok? You know that it makes it worse. And also, you’re not the only one who feels this way, so don’t believe that lie either. You are not weaker, a worse person, a broken person just because you are feeling this way. You are just you, battling your way through today because this is just what it is.

Remember all of the amazing things that you can do because you are so sensitive to the world? You’re empathetic, and creative, and passionate. You connect deeply with God because you have to cling to him/her to survive. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but that’s a gift. You’re really awesome and you’ve got some really good stuff going on. This stuff, the hard stuff, is just a bump in the road, but it’s not the whole road.

You can do this, because you always do. Today is no different than those other days. One step at a time, deep breaths. There is another side and you will get to it.

Love love love,

Lizz

We Are All Falling Short.

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You know what I’m talking about, right?

On December 31st we are giddy with the excitement for the resolutions, the diets, the hope for the next year. And now here we are, a week and a half in and we are starting to realize that all the baggage we were carrying with us last year is still trailing along behind us.

Wouldn’t it be great if the new year was a door that closed tight behind us, locking all the pain of the last year behind us?

But it doesn’t work that way.

All the yuck comes with us until we work through it.

Some might say we just need to leave the past in the past. But if we haven’t worked through the hard things weighing us down, is it denial to try and walk away from it?

It’s not as simple as just forgetting the pain and moving on. That’s not how our minds and our souls work. We must address the hard stuff, or it will sneak into every part of our lives and take control.

The hardest thing I have ever had to realize is that there is darkness inside all of us.

We don’t really want to go there.

We want to believe that there are bad guys and there are good guys, and that we are the good guys. But we could just as easily become the bad guys if we aren’t honest with ourselves and aware of who we are.

So here is a new year. Same old struggles, same old baggage. We entered January skipping and now midway through we are shuffling along, remembering why last year was so hard.

Let’s look at our lives holistically. Let’s eat right, and exercise, and go to counseling, and meditate, and journal about the really scary things we can’t tell anyone else yet.

Let’s honor ourselves and be honest with ourselves. Honest about our struggles, our addictions, our downfalls.

The places where we feel we fall short are often our greatest gifts.

Allow yourself to fall short. That’s so much more than okay. You don’t need to pretend. We are all falling short. Awesome, right?!

WE ARE ALL FALLING SHORT!

What a relief!

New year my friends. Are we going to live bold, vulnerable, beautifully messy lives?

YES we most certainly will.